Six months later…
Six months later, I blog again.
I don’t know what I’ll write about yet. But I should write. I stopped writing because Twitter became the outlet of my subconscious in the more vague manner that I sometimes prefer. And I had a need for real life friend-communication; not introspective self-communication.
Six months ago, I wrote about discontentment. Six months later, I don’t think I’m any less discontent. That probably isn’t a good thing.
Nothing has changed in six months. I’m not a better person; I’m probably a worse person.
All I’ve done the past six months is work. I hide under the guise that “I have to”, that “it will all pay off sooner or later”, that “it’s what I’m supposed to be doing with my life”, that “I love it”, etc. And that all might be true to an extent, but the real truth is that I don’t know how to have balance. I can’t remember what it is to have balance. I don’t have any conception of what balance means and what life should really be like. I don’t know how to have a best friend, how to engage in social/non-intellectual conversation.
For the past six years, I’ve focused only on the things in my life which I can control and that directly influence my professional and intellectual goals. Like absorbing information. Like non-fiction. And in doing so, I’ve also eliminated things from my life that contribute to or affect emotion and things I can’t control. Like music. Like relationships with people.
It’s totally screwed up. I want it all to change, but I have no idea where to begin.
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my twitter feed- hannahkleyn: So thankful!!!
- hannahkleyn: Deciding how late of a night I want it to be. 1am or 4am? (Cuz there definitely can't be any in-between.)
- hannahkleyn: I think I just turned my jeans purple. I like purple... A lot... But I don't think I will be a fan of purple jeans.
- hannahkleyn: You MUST watch this. I have never actually enjoyed anything political until now. Auto-Tune the News: http://bit.ly/15Armf (via @tommykleyn)
- hannahkleyn: @timkleyn stop filling the twitosphere with obtrusive noise.
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Sorry Han, but I took lots of counseling classes at Westminster! Having control of our lives is a false sense of security. And what is motivating you to “have control” over those certain aspects of your life-the professional and intellectual? Is it for the glory of God or yourself?
You are a beautiful and wonderfully made Han! You are a gift to others as other people are a gift to you! Sharing our true selves with others can be frightening–What if they think we are dumb or awkward or whatever!? But what if we quit thinking about our precious selves-and how we look to other just-as-sinful people, and start viewing relationships and people with the compassion, grace, attitude of Christ!
Seeing with New Eyes by David Powlison is an awesome book that gets into stuff like this.
Love ya Han!