Six months later…

08Jul09

Six months later, I blog again.

I don’t know what I’ll write about yet. But I should write. I stopped writing because Twitter became the outlet of my subconscious in the more vague manner that I sometimes prefer. And I had a need for real life friend-communication; not introspective self-communication.

Six months ago, I wrote about discontentment. Six months later, I don’t think I’m any less discontent. That probably isn’t a good thing.

Nothing has changed in six months. I’m not a better person; I’m probably a worse person.

All I’ve done the past six months is work. I hide under the guise that “I have to”, that “it will all pay off sooner or later”, that “it’s what I’m supposed to be doing with my life”, that “I love it”, etc. And that all might be true to an extent, but the real truth is that I don’t know how to have balance. I can’t remember what it is to have balance. I don’t have any conception of what balance means and what life should really be like. I don’t know how to have a best friend, how to engage in social/non-intellectual conversation.

For the past six years, I’ve focused only on the things in my life which I can control and that directly influence my professional and intellectual goals. Like absorbing information. Like non-fiction. And in doing so, I’ve also eliminated things from my life that contribute to or affect emotion and things I can’t control. Like music. Like relationships with people.

It’s totally screwed up. I want it all to change, but I have no idea where to begin.

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Meet some of my co-workers.

23Jan09

Normally I hate these things. So when a co-worker created this, I figured I’d watch it for it’s own sake, but I definitely wouldn’t laugh. But then when I did watch it, I did laugh. So then I figured I’d share it with you all.

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Snail mail. For me even moreso snaily.

15Jan09

So my dentist will finally get paid. I finally made it to a mailbox. It’s so funny, it took me three months to buy stamps, and another week to remember to mail the check once I put the stamp on the envelope. I don’t know where my outgoing mailbox is at my apartment. I don’t ever remember to give mail to the people who mail things at work. And there’s a post office on my general way home, but I can’t remember where it’s at. But tonight I finally managed to mail my dentist his check, at a different post office. It’s a good thing there wasn’t a due date.

I also finally mailed a questionnaire to the IU School of Education, who wanted to know about the status of my teaching career. That was requested last August. I filled it out in October, sealed the envelope, but had no stamp. Today I finally mailed it. I hope they still care about the status of my teaching career 6 months later.

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Church stuff.

11Jan09

Super-excited I am, because today I went to “learn all about all the groups at St. Luke’s” day with two destinations in mind. 1: Young adults activities, and 2: The orchestra.

Sidenote: One guy started talking to me about activities for people in their 30s-40s (do I really look 35?), and another lady asked me what grade I was in (do I really look 17?)

Anyway, the second I told the orchestra lady I played French horn, she got pumped because I guess they need one. I told her that I’d never taken lessons, but that I was the soloist for IYO once; that I hadn’t played in a while, but I have 8-9 years of experience and I miss it and love it and am looking for a group exactly like this to play in. The next practice is Feb 12, so that’s where I’ll be. She even gave me music to practice

• Perk: I’ll get to play alongside 2 exceptional horn performers, at least one of which is affiliated with the ISO.
• Perk: It’s only once a month. Perfect for my level of commitment-ability.
• Perk: They’re really good. I feel really honored. I hope I don’t screw up.
• Perk: Music friends.

Per the young adult activities, I’m most looking forward to Saturday mornings hiking at Eagle Creek, and maybe volleyball nights.

Next week is Life Group launch day at Northview, which I plan to attend. So I’ll see how that goes.

But I feel really good about finding solid friend groups now. It will be a while before I choose a church, but I think that doesn’t matter.

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My Christmas Letter

04Jan09

I have always loved reading people’s Christmas letters. Every year for as long as I’ve remembered, I’ve asked my mom if she was going to write one this year, and every year, no. But I was always welcome to write it for her. But that’s lame; the kid never writes the letter.

But this year I moved out. But I’m, generally speaking, alone in the world, and who writes Christmas letters when they don’t have a family to write about?

So I write a blog. Probably one of the most depressing and brutally honest Christmas letters you will have read.

In Christmas letters, people give their year a theme. So I will too.

Since I can’t pick just one, my themes are dichotomy/discontentment and transition. Dichotomy because it’s been a hard year in some ways, but an easy year in others. All year long I’ve been in this incessant mode of transition and I don’t even know what I’m transitioning into. Transitional housing. Transitional roommate. Transitional company. Transitional churches. Transitional job titles. Dichotomy because while I like certain aspects of transition — things like the unknown, surprises, adventure, excitement, learning, and figuring things out — I hate other aspects of transition — things like not painting and drilling holes in walls and making home into a home, not being able to even look into buying a house because my company (in all its wonderful startup uncertainty) is the only thing keeping me in Indiana, and not knowing for sure what the heck I’m supposed to be doing about anything. Like every other year, my selectively giant ego has battled my selectively low self-esteem in dichotomy. Discontent because my family thinks I design buses for a living, or I work for some notoriously “progressive” and intangible dot com beyond the realm of human understanding. Discontent with the same conversations about the two things you’re never supposed to talk about at dinner: Church and Politics. (It would be one thing if the conversation were about God, rather than church…) Discontent with the stagnant personal, creative, and spiritual rut I was in, living at home, so I moved. Dichotomy because though I want them to know me, I hate that the first thing they ever say is “How’s work going?” or “I saw a ChaCha bus.” Discontent because recently I had the best communication of my life with a person who 99.9% cannot be “my person” in the words of Meredith Grey. I digress.

In Christmas letters, people write about their travels throughout the year. So I will too.

This year I traveled to Washington, DC and Philadelphia for Rachel’s (IU roommate) wedding. I missed the ceremony due to traffic, so it was a good thing that wasn’t the only thing I traveled there for. I stayed with Lori and Kyle (more IU roommates), who took me on the non-traditional DC tour that I wanted — things like the Library of Congress and the International Spy Museum. In Philly, with Katie (another roommate) we saw the Liberty Bell and walked through a lot of Colonial neighborhoods that had Dominos Pizza coupons stuck in the door handles.

I wanted to go to Gatlinburg for my birthday, but had no one to go with. So I took a singular vacation day and traveled to Ohio, if you can call that travel. Destination: the Hofbrauhaus — a German beer hall — in Cincinnati on Halloween with Sam (BFF from high school) and Adam. A bit different from the Hofbrauhaus in Munich… as in they show ESPN and the band isn’t brass… but they still sell great beer by the liter. Also stayed with cousins Abby and Jim the next day, and went camping and hiking in Brown County the next.

And then I came back having lost nearly all the overachiever character traits I had prior. I’m still looking for them.

I have 15 vacation days to use this coming year, and the travels I hope for include:

• A snowshoeing trip in Michigan with Kate and Jaimie
• Visiting Seattle/Portland/Vancouver
• Potentially going to Denver

In Christmas letters, people reminisce on where they’ve come since the year prior. So I will too.

Last year at this time I thought I was losing my internship and all hope at my dream job. Now I just need to figure out what my dream job actually is. But I’m starting to think that it doesn’t matter when I’m with a dream company (minus geographic location and a few paradoxical policies) that lets my role shift with the wind.

In Christmas letters, people conclude with happy, forward-looking remarks. So I will too.

As much as I can complain, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have employers and co-workers who see more potential in me than even I can see. I have a few friends who would be “my person” if I would just let them, and be “their person” back. And I have a God who is just waiting for me to figure out and remove whatever is keeping us apart.

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